With the Indians!
Avram!
I want to talk to you in private.
Speak only English.
And no matter what I say, don't smile.
Out of 88 students graduating from this yeshiva...
you came in a close 87.
Don't smile.
Look sad.
There is a new congregation...
In America?
Wait!
Some meshuggener suggested your name to become the new rabbi.
I am forced to take an official vote of the board of rabbis.
Close.
It's a close vote.
But I am the Chief Rabbi!
I am the one who has to decide!
So, cowboy...
I am sending you to San Francisco.
- Where is San Francisco? - By New York.
Get out, quick.
And so, on a wonderful sunny day in 1850...
I started out my great adventure...
and I left Poland for Philadelphia...
the city where all the brothers love each other...
The boat's gone.
Understand?
Somebody should have told us!
This is the devil's work.
- What'd he say? - Says the boat is gone.
Mister, what'd you just say about the boat to San Francisco?
- Gone! - Well, that can't be.
That boat's supposed to leave first tide in the morning!
Supposed to?
What the hell's the matter with you?
It's a gold rush.
Haven't you people heard anything?
- Next boat two months. - Oh, God!
Oh, my God, help me!
Just this morning me and my brother got the news.
All right. Who's next?
Our mama's dying in San Francisco.
What am I gonna do?
There must be some way that a person can go to San Francisco...
in another way than the boat.
Not for us, sir.
Just 10 minutes ago, me and my brother sold our horses and our wagon...
so as we could purchase tickets on this here boat.
And now we ain't got neither.
Well, perhaps if you go to the man...
and you told him your troubles and you give him back the money...
he would give you back the wagon.
You think he'll do it?
If he is a good man, I think he would do that, yes.
Mister, would you help me, please?
I'm not much good at explaining myself and...
I usually just start to cry.
I will do that.
I would be happy to do it.
But I don't know if I would be much help to you.
With the way I speak English...
Wait, you don't have to carry the bags.
My brother, his name is Matt.
- Oh, say, what's your name? - Avram.
Avram. My name's Darryl, Darryl Diggs.
Anyway, my brother's got a temper.
Sometimes he just unloads, you know what I mean?
- Can't I help you to carry... - No, that's all right.
I've got it all. Don't worry about a thing.
Just step in here, anyway. Come on, what is it again, Avrum?
Avram. But you didn't do nothing wrong.
- Everything go all right? - Well, we missed the boat.
- What? - The boat sailed yesterday.
The whole town's gone crazy, Matt. It's gold rush. It sailed yesterday.
Yeah, but what are we supposed to do now?
Well, God may be on our side yet, Matt, thanks to this here gentleman.
Avram, this is my brother, Matthew Diggs.
- How do you do? - Mr. Jones!
Mr. Jones, we missed our boat and we find ourselves in a desperate state.
We need our horses and our wagon back...
so as we can get to San Francisco to see our mum before she dies.
So if you'd be kind enough to take your money back...
I sympathize with your misfortunes, fellows. But you've got to understand...
I'm in the business of buying and selling...
and I don't sell unless I can make a profit.
But we don't have no money to give you a profit.
Then we don't do no business.
Excuse me. Excuse me, Mr. Jones.
How much profit do you need from these gentlemen?
$50.
$50. That's it, Matt, we're sunk.
I'm sorry, Avram. Sorry I wasted your time.
Well, perhaps I could pay the $50.
It's real kind of you, Avram.
I don't know how's we could ever pay you back. Do you, Matt?
$50, look, I don't know.
If I could have a seat on your wagon to San Francisco...
I would be more than paid back.
Well, you pay the $50...
you could have a seat with a cushion on it. Can't he, Matt?
All the way.
I would share the cushion.
Matt, the Lord is smiling on you and me today!
Amen.
Gentlemen, quiet!
Wonderful, marvelous news.
Just this morning, I received this letter.
"Dear Mr. Bender:
"This is to inform you that soon, God willing...
"you will have a rabbi and a Torah.
"Rabbi Avram Belinski has left Poland...
"to join you in the village of San Francisco.
"Avram thanks you for the picture of your lovely family.
"He is looking eagerly forward to meeting your daughter Sarah Mindl...
"with an eye towards matrimony."
- Papa! - Not now, Sarah Mindl.
But, Julius!
Go to your room.
What's the matter with Sarah Mindl?
Bender, a rabbi is better than a Rosensheine.
You want a bite?
Oh, thanks.
There she is, Avram.
That little shortcut I was telling you about.
Gonna get us to San Francisco four days earlier.
Good.
Whoa!
What happened? Is it Indians?
Mr. Jones, what's happening?
I don't understand. What's...
Darryl, tell him I paid the $50!
He paid the $50.
- You paid the $50? - Yeah, I did.
Is it clothes what you want?
You want to take my clothes?
You need my clothes so much? You don't have your own clothes?
No! No! Not the Torah, please!
Take my money, you can have the...
God! God, help me!
Mr. Jones, please don't do that!
Please! Please! No!
What's you need my tallis for?
Why are you doing this?
- We love you. - Mr. Jones...
why are you doing this?
- You're not happy with our service? - No.
God! I don't want to be with these filthy crooks!
- We'll fix that for you, bucko. - No!
There you go!
- How'd we do? - I got the rest of his money.
This you couldn't throw out first!
America.
Landsmen! Landsmen!
Hello!
Landsmen!
Hello!
Landsmen!
Dost thou speak English?
Dost thou...
speak...
You know, I think he's crazy.
We have decided...
that thou shouldst have this money for the train to Akron.
We are sorry it cannot be more.
We all hope it will help thee on thy journey...
Brother Avram.
I will never forget thy kindness.
Thanks.
Bye-bye. Good-bye, children.
Good-bye. Thank you very much.
Thanks.
- Good-bye. - Good-bye, Avram.
My parents have a farm...
not big like this one, but they have a nice farm.
How is it that thou are not a farmer?
Well, God made me a rabbi.
- Why? - Why?
I think he had enough farmers.
What a wonderful country.
Simple Simon says, "Put your fingers on your nose."
Simple Simon says, "No laughing."
Simple Simon says, "Put your fingers on your nose."
I really have to go!
Simple Simon says, "Put your fingers on your nose."
Don't bother the man, honey.
Simple Simon says, "You don't have to play."
I think we're an hour and a half away.
- Mommy, I'm getting sleepy. - Then take a nap.
- Can you stop it? - Mama, I'm hungry.
Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention, please?
Now I want you all to stay calm and listen...
'cause I'm only gonna say this once.
First thing is: don't turn around.
There's a man behind you with a big shotgun...
and he don't care to be recognized.
Them that don't believe me is gonna die.
All right now. You all put your hands on top of your heads.
Good. That's real good.
Now we're all gonna play like we're in church.
You got something for the collection, sir?
Very kind.
Ma'am? Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Ma'am?
Thank you.
Well, thank you all very much.
Mr. Jake, I'm jumping here, you go at the next bend.
Remember, folks...
the best way to keep your heads is keep your hands on top of them.
And don't turn around.
Better to give than to receive, ain't it, folks?
Simple Simon says, "Everybody laugh."
Don't you get the joke?
Simple says, "Everybody gotta laugh."
It's difficult to explain that a Jew can't ride on a Saturday.
And, for a Jew, Saturday begins on Friday.
- Name? - Joseph Pellerton.
See the foreman. Name?
Good? Good.
See the foreman. Name?
You funny looking fellow.
- Yes. Yes. - See the foreman. Name?
Yes.
See the foreman.
- You ever work on railroad before? - No. This is the first time for me.
K-O-V...
See the foreman.
- You sure talk funny. - Name?
- Yes. - See the foreman.
- Yes. - Name?
John Browning.
Strange-looking characters looking for jobs.
See the foreman.
- Name? - Belinski.
Sorry, Paco. Sorry. It wouldn't happen again.
You can bet your boots on that.
He did it again.
Wait, Paco. Wait!
Wait, it wasn't done on purpose.
- Avram, some water over here. - Coming right up.
Got nice, fresh water coming right up.
- Avram. - What? What happened?
Paco? No!
- It was an accident. I didn't mean to... - I kill you, pendejo!
I'll bust your Jewish bones!
You smart, you listen. We open a big restaurant.
You work one year, make enough money to buy a wagon.
Maybe we even go with you, huh?
Open a big joint in San Francisco!
Paco, would you show me where to buy a horse?
Hey, pendejo. How you going to find your way?
Paco, please, just show me where to buy a horse.
You're crazy, Jew-boy! You gonna get lost!
Believe me, I won't get lost!
Oh, yes, you will.
Good-bye!
Good-bye, Paco.
Good-bye, Mr. Ping!
Wait! Wait, horsie!
Wait, wait, horsie! Take it easy.
Nice horsie. That's a good horsie.
That's it.
Let's take it slow and easy.
Slow! Slow.
That's it. You're a good horsie.
Sarah Mindl. Sarah, Sarah, Sarah.
Oh, my Sarah, Sarah.
Oh, show me what you meant to me.
Oh, my food! My food!
Why me?
My food, you're gonna take?
You got the whole world, you're gonna take my food!
Not you! Wait!
Not you! Wait! Horsie, wait!
No food and no horse.
Come back!
Come here, horsie!
I'll be good to you! I'll be nice!
I'll pick grass for you!
I'll scratch your back!
I'll give you a nice rub!
Chicken, chicken. Chickie, chickie, chicken.
Come here. I don't wanna hurt you.
I just want to eat you.
Come here, wait! I don't wanna hurt you!
I just want to make you kosher!
How hungry are you?
I'm pretty hungry.
If you had been here yesterday...
we could've had roast chicken!
So that's Jewish cooking, huh?
Pretty good, huh?
Where're you coming from?
Back there.
You're from California, huh?
California is that way?
You're lost, ain't you?
- Got any money? - No.
Got any food?
No.
Sure talk funny.
- Where you born at? - Poland.
Is that near Pittsburgh?
No. That's near Czechoslovakia.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
And you're going to California?
Yes.
You ain't gonna make it.
Excuse me...
in the morning, would you be kind enough...
to point out in which direction is San Francisco?
- Sure. - Good.
- In the morning. - In that case...
would you like to fight for that last fish?
You think you got a chance?
I think I can say, with complete confidence, none whatsoever...
but I'm still hungry.
- Help yourself. - Thanks.
What you call this kind of fish?
- That's a trout. - A trout?
It's got a lot of bones.
You got family waiting for you?
I'm promised a wife when I get to San Francisco.
But I haven't never met her.
You gonna marry a woman that you never seen?
I didn't say I never seen her.
I said I never met her.
They sent me a picture before I left Poland.
Well.
What you think?
Well, that's my kind of woman.
You son of a gun.
You son of a gun, you.
Shee-it!
I guess so.
This other one ain't bad, neither.
- Good night, Rabbi. - Good night, cowboy.
Well, it's nice meeting up with you, pard.
Nice meeting up with you, pard.
- You got it straight? - Oh, sure.
Right from this tree...
I head straight north five or six weeks...
till I come to the flat country.
- Yeah. - Then I make a left for two days.
That way I avoid the Indians.
Then I cross the river...
and I make a sharp right, away from the mountains.
Once I get to the desert, God willing...
I just continue straight as piss...
till I come to the ocean. Take a left...
keeping the ocean on my right shoulder...
and just hot-tail it right into San Francisco.
Good?
Pretty good.
Well...
I hope you make it.
Okay, wait, horse. Good. All right, go, horsie.
That's it, straight ahead.
- Speak any Mexican, do you? - No. Why do you ask?
Oh, nothing. Just curious.
If you should ever come to San Francisco, I hope that you'll call on me...
and we could talk over some nice times.
- Come on, horsie. - Hey...
that way.
That way?
Of course, I know it's that way...
but first I have to go around that big log before I can go that way!
You mustn't turn a horse so quick. That's how accidents happen.
You gotta start nice and slow. That way you get off on the right foot.
Hey! What kind of crazy horses they got in this country?
- What do you call this in Jewish? - A tokhes.
Well, you keep your eyes on this tokhes and don't take them off till I tell you.
Keep my eyes on the tokhes...
Shee-it! Don't get no closer to that edge, Rabbi.
- What kind of word is that? - What word?
You always say, "shee-it" at a certain moment.
Shee-it?
Well, that's a... That's a...
What do you... You must have a word in your language that you...
What do say when you get really took by surprise?
Oy gevald.
Oy gevald?
- Yeah. - That's it. That's what "shee-it" means?
Oy, shee-it!
Yeah, that makes sense.
Slow. Slow, horsie.
Well, this is it.
- Where are you going? - Back down the river a few miles...
it's a good place to cross.
- Why not here? - Here?
Here's a good place to die...
but it ain't a good place to cross the river.
We just jump in and swim straight across. Simple as pie.
You wanna kill yourself, go ahead.
I don't like the odds. I'm taking the long way.
Well, that shouldn't be so difficult.
Wait a minute! Where you going, horsie?
I didn't say where to go yet!
Oh, no! Oh, no!
That snake could've killed me!
Well, damn me! If he can do it, I can do it.
Help! Oy gevald!
God damn!
Shit!
You know, Rabbi, you're one crazy bastard!
Remember...
I'm the kind of person when he says he's gonna do something, he does it.
You got a guarantee, huh? He could be laying out there somewhere...
- dead in the wilderness! - Bite your tongue!
You're talking about my future son-in-law.
Somebody, maybe, should remind Sarah Mindl.
Rosalie.
- Get your sister away from that idiot! - I'm not mixing in. I'm not mixing in.
This is a nice little town. Cold, but nice.
Yeah, I guess.
I don't think that fellow is 100%.
I'll see if I can find us some place to stay.
- Someplace pretty cheap. - Yeah, pretty cheap.
About tomorrow morning...
This ain't traveling weather.
I know this place ain't fancy, but it's got a roof.
And like you say, it's cheap.
So we just stay here for a couple months and then head south.
No. I've wasted too much time already.
When they banged on your head, they must've mushed your brains!
So goddamned worried about time, how come you don't ride on Saturday?
I told you, it's against my religion to ride on the Sabbath.
I got me a new religion, too! And one of the things you ain't allowed to do is die!
There's real mountains out there, and that's a real blizzard building up.
- I'm telling you we can't make it. - I can make it.
God damn! I ain't gonna let you talk me into this. It's just impossible!
Every goddamn Indian knows that! Every goddamn trapper knows that!
I know, you don't like it when I talk that way.
But I'm telling you, you ain't gonna talk me into it this time!
Am I trying to talk you into anything?
Good night! Have a nice trip.
Good night. And thanks for everything you did for me...
up until the time I needed you the most!
Don't wake me in the morning!
I'll try to be as quiet as possible!
What do you think now, Rabbi?
It's cold.
You should see it in winter.
In the Talmud it says, "Find thyself a teacher."
And this I had done.
However, there were times I feared that he would find another pupil.
Get your horse down!
If we'd have gone on, we'd have froze to death!
No, make one!
Move! Come here...
closer!
Wait.
We are doing this to keep warm, aren't we?
In that case, you can put your arms around me.
Come here, darling.
That's better.
Hey, look.
I think we've found the Garden of Eden.
Well, it ain't exactly the Garden of Eden.
What a wonderful place America is!
There are no walls around these cities.
You don't have to worry about soldiers coming in from the next town...
and killing people.
You know, I think this is the West.
We're in the Wild West here, just like the books I read in Poland.
This is a wonderful city. They got banks and restaurants...
they got merchants of all kinds here. And look at the people...
how they're dressed. I think those are cowboys.
- Howdy. - Howdy.
Hold up here. I got a little business I wanna take care of.
Hold on to the horses, will you?
I'll be right back.
Move it!
- What's happening? - We just robbed the bank!
- What did you say? - We just robbed the bank!
What do you mean, "we?"
The bank, they just robbed the bank!
Oy gevald!
- We need a posse, boys, let's go! - What for?
I said, we need a posse!
To hell with you! I ain't got any money in the bank.
- But they robbed it! - Well go get 'em. It's your bank.
- $5 a man when we catch them! - $5?
- $7.50! - Not worth it...
- I'll go for $11. - $10!
- $11! - All right, you bastards...
$11. Let's go!
Don't get comfortable. We can't stop here.
- How could you do this to me? - It's what I do. I'm a bank robber.
- But you made me a bank robber! - So what? You get your half.
- Get out of my life! - What?
Get out of my life!
Get out! I don't want you here!
Get out of my life!
Take it easy!
Take it easy. You better cool off.
Guns?
You gonna shoot guns at me?
Guns!
- You know, you're really crazy. - Sure I'm crazy. I'm a bank robber.
Who else would rob a bank but a crazy?
You, you ain't no bank robber. All you did was hold the horses.
- Think I could tell them that? - Sure!
- And would they listen? - Yeah, they'll listen. Then they'll hang you!
- And what if I gave back the money? - You mean, your half?
- Yes, I mean my half! - First they'll string you up by your balls...
till you tell them where the other half is, then they'll hang you!
Make up your mind, partner.
Oy gevald!
Go fast, horsie! Go fast!
Wait, Tommy, wait! I'm coming.
Looks like fresh tracks.
They was here all right. Here's some blood.
Hey, that was me. I knew I got that one.
If you did, he sure took a long time to start bleeding.
All right, let's go, men. Let's look for a tree for the hanging.